Return of the dad joke...

Something for the newly weds

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

And for everyone else

Once upon a time in a state far far away there was a train conductor who took his job very seriously. Now one day he was walking through one of the carriages asking people for their tickets when one of the passengers admitted that he had none. Seeing this infuriated the train conductor and as a result he picked the man up and violently threw him out of the train thus resulting in the mans horrible and gory death. The other passengers in the train were flabbergasted and upon arrival at the train station they reported the train conductors action to the police.

The police arrived and subsequently arrested the train conductor. He stood trial and was sentenced to death by electric chair.

While in jail the conductor spent most of his time knitting and reading books. His favourite was Catch 22, although Lord of the Flies came a close second. After several months had passed it was finally time for his execution to occur. The priest came to visit the conductor in his cell to make sure that the prisoner had made his peace with God prior to being executed and to offer the man one last wish.

The conductor thought about it then said "for my last wish I would love to drink the sweet juice of a Wai Kiki coconut. I have heard it is absolutely delicious." The priest thought this to be a reasonable request and granted it. Little did he know, however, that the Wai Kiki conconut only grows on the remote island of El Salvador in the Bahamas. But the wish was already granted so he had to fulfil it.

A prison guard was sent to El Salvadore to go and retrive a Wai Kiki coconut. Upon his arrival however, he was dismayed to discover that not only was the Wai Kiki coconut limited to this small island but there was only actually one Wai Kiki coconut tree in existence which was heavily guarded by some native Bahamians The Guard gritted his teeth and decided to approach these hostile looking natives, only to find that they were more then helpful. They told him exactly what he needed to know. Unfortunately, however, the guard was informed that he had arrived on this little remote island during the wrong season and would have to come back in 6 months time, when the Wai Kiki coconut would be ready for picking. The Guard sighed hopped on his boat and sailed back to Australia destined to return in 6 months time.

In the meantime, the conductor continued to sew and read books, and over time had grown very fond of Jane Austin novels. He had read them all religiously, but unfortunately the prison didn’t stock all of her novels and he had to get the prison warden to order some more in. By the time the new books arrived the prison warden was getting ready to set sail back to the Bahamas.

The prison warden hopped on his boat and set sail once more towards El Salvadore. This time he had arrived during the correct season and he promptly straddled the coconut tree and began to steadily climb it. Once he reached the top he noticed one lone little Wai Kiki coconut and carefully plucked it from between the cradle of the palm leaves. He slowly started to climb down when suddenly a rather vicious looking wasp appeared. Now the prison guard was terrified of bees and wasps, and was in fact getting treatment from a local MD to try cure him of this phobia. He began to violently sway his arms in a swatting motion to try deter the wasp’s approach. Unfortunately, however, this action resulted in him losing his grip from around the tree trunk and he ended up crashing to the ground with a tremendous THUD! the coconut fell smoothly and freely landing right on the guards head, shattering into shards of coconut schrapnel and knocking the guard unconscious.

After about half an hour the guard came to, looked at the broken coconut laying beside him and shook his head. He spent some time bemusing the fact that the phobia treatment wasn’t working and vowed to end the treatment upon his arrival to Australia. He then finally got up, shook his head and set sail back to Australia as only one Wai Kiki coconut sprouts each year.

Back in the cell the conductor had since got very bored with Jane Austin (who could blame him) and books in general and had now taken up playing cards, just to pass the time. The only problem was that because he was confined to an individual cell he had no one to play cards with and ended playing different variations of solitaire, until he found out about a game called FreeCell (what a revelation, for him it was the best thing since sliced bread!

A year passed (and boy oh boy did the conductor become a kick ass free cell player...he could have represented Aus in the Freecell League if it wasn’t for his incarceration). The Prison guard yet again departed for the Bahamas, except this time he took a plane...just to be different. So he arrives on El Salvador and to his pleasure there was the Wai Kiki coconut just hanging there waiting to be plucked. This time he took no chances (after all if he failed again he would probably lose his job) so he hired a crane from ACME Construction Co. (who were building the nearby roundabout) attended two weeks of coaching on how to operate the thing and set off to retrieve this very troublesome coconut. He attached a big padded basket, and a motorised pair of scissors to the cranes arm, turned it on and positioned it perfectly. he then slowly flicked a switch which sent an electrical pulse to the motorised scissors which subsequently cut the coconut lose and sent it plumeting into the basket. The guard then lowered the crane and set sail back to Australia, congratulating himself on his ingenuity.

Upon arrival at the prison he handed over the precious Wai Kiki coconut to the priest who then passed it on to the the conductor, who in turn drank the succulent juice. Now that the conductor’s last wish was fulfilled it was time to proceed with the execution. They strapped him into the electric chair and pulled the lever. Sparks went flying all round the room but the conductor survived! Astounded the priest walks up to him and asks “is the juice of the Wai Kiki coconut so magical that it saved your life??” the conductor replied “No I am just a bad conductor”