Annual Neologism Contest Results

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
4. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp .
5. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
6. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
7. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

There was another part of the competition where entrants have to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
6. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
7. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
8. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
9. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
10. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an an asshole.

Disclaimer: The really stupid ones have been edited for you. These are the remaining pearlas!