You must watch these commercials
And this one
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday Chem Joke
Fe Fe Fe
\ | /
Fe --*-- Fe
/ | \
Fe Fe Fe
A ferrous wheel
HI
\
Ag
/
HO
Hi Ho Silver!!
And for the non-chem's:
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
Did you hear about the polymorphic tractor, it was driving down the road and then turned into a field.
\ | /
Fe --*-- Fe
/ | \
Fe Fe Fe
A ferrous wheel
HI
\
Ag
/
HO
Hi Ho Silver!!
And for the non-chem's:
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
Did you hear about the polymorphic tractor, it was driving down the road and then turned into a field.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Noodle leaves the HOC
The time has finally come for the final original HOC member to spread his little chicken wings and fly the coop.
Flit baked a cake for the occasion.....
...I think it eloquently captured exactly what our hearts were screaming out to say!
Flit baked a cake for the occasion.....
...I think it eloquently captured exactly what our hearts were screaming out to say!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Love Tom's Way
My little brother is on TV!! For those of you with Foxtel, there is a show on called "Love my way". It's shot mostly in Tom's (bosses) restaurant and the flat above. And he got roped in as an extra. So if you tune in, you can see him stretch his acting muscle in such brilliant moments like: stirring a pot in the background, drinking a glass of water to the side of the screen and responding to the chefs various questions eg
Some nobody star: "when will that be ready?"
Tom, obvious highlight of the program: "Two minutes, chef"
If you've got Foxtel and have a penchance for seeing small segments of friends family members, check it out.
More exciting details
http://www.southernstargroup.com/ProductDetails.aspx?productid=01099
http://www.australiantelevision.net/lovemyway/lovemyway.html
btw challenge exercise for tomorrow: how the hell do you spell penchance? Surely your French, Jenny, can help us out with this one.
Some nobody star: "when will that be ready?"
Tom, obvious highlight of the program: "Two minutes, chef"
If you've got Foxtel and have a penchance for seeing small segments of friends family members, check it out.
More exciting details
http://www.southernstargroup.com/ProductDetails.aspx?productid=01099
http://www.australiantelevision.net/lovemyway/lovemyway.html
btw challenge exercise for tomorrow: how the hell do you spell penchance? Surely your French, Jenny, can help us out with this one.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Very exciting day tomorrow!
That’s right tomorrow we get to exercise or democratic responsibility and vote. Ahhh queuing up at your local primary school, making your way through the army of how to vote people - I do love it!
But our choice Boring, Uninspiring and Under preforming then there is the Liberals.....
So for today’s exercise I will reflect on a speech of the 60's inspired by Noodle's special night out, and wonder what happened.
Below is Edward Kennedy's Eulogy at Bobby Kennedy's funeral a large chunk is quoting from a speech Bobby gave in South Africa
Your Eminences, Your Excellencies, Mr. President:
On behalf of Mrs. Kennedy, her children, the parents and sisters of Robert Kennedy, I want to express what we feel to those who mourn with us today in this Cathedral and around the world.
We loved him as a brother, and as a father, and as a son. From his parents, and from his older brothers and sisters -- Joe and Kathleen and Jack -- he received an inspiration which he passed on to all of us. He gave us strength in time of trouble, wisdom in time of uncertainty, and sharing in time of happiness. He will always be by our side.
Love is not an easy feeling to put into words. Nor is loyalty, or trust, or joy. But he was all of these. He loved life completely and he lived it intensely.
A few years back, Robert Kennedy wrote some words about his own father which expresses [sic] the way we in his family felt about him. He said of what his father meant to him, and I quote: "What it really all adds up to is love -- not love as it is described with such facility in popular magazines, but the kind of love that is affection and respect, order and encouragement, and support. Our awareness of this was an incalculable source of strength, and because real love is something unselfish and involves sacrifice and giving, we could not help but profit from it." And he continued, "Beneath it all, he has tried to engender a social conscience. There were wrongs which needed attention. There were people who were poor and needed help. And we have a responsibility to them and to this country. Through no virtues and accomplishments of our own, we have been fortunate enough to be born in the United States under the most comfortable conditions. We, therefore, have a responsibility to others who are less well off."
That is what Robert Kennedy was given. What he leaves to us is what he said, what he did, and what he stood for. A speech he made to the young people of South Africa on their Day of Affirmation in 1966 sums it up the best, and I would like to read it now:
"There is discrimination in this world and slavery and slaughter and starvation. Governments repress their people; millions are trapped in poverty while the nation grows rich and wealth is lavished on armaments everywhere. These are differing evils, but they are the common works of man. They reflect the imperfection of human justice, the inadequacy of human compassion, our lack of sensibility towards the suffering of our fellows. But we can perhaps remember -- even if only for a time -- that those who live with us are our brothers; that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek -- as we do -- nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.
Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men. And surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again. The answer is to rely on youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. The cruelties and obstacles of this swiftly changing planet will not yield to the obsolete dogmas and outworn slogans. They cannot be moved by those who cling to a present that is already dying, who prefer the illusion of security to the excitement and danger that come with even the most peaceful progress.
It is a revolutionary world we live in, and this generation at home and around the world has had thrust upon it a greater burden of responsibility than any generation that has ever lived. Some believe there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation; a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth; a young woman reclaimed the territory of France; and it was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and the 32 year-old Thomas Jefferson who [pro]claimed that "all men are created equal."
These men moved the world, and so can we all. Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. *It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.* Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
Few are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change. And I believe that in this generation those with the courage to enter the moral conflict will find themselves with companions in every corner of the globe.
For the fortunate among us, there is the temptation to follow the easy and familiar paths of personal ambition and financial success so grandly spread before those who enjoy the privilege of education. But that is not the road history has marked out for us. Like it or not, we live in times of danger and uncertainty. But they are also more open to the creative energy of men than any other time in history. All of us will ultimately be judged, and as the years pass we will surely judge ourselves on the effort we have contributed to building a new world society and the extent to which our ideals and goals have shaped that event.
*The future does not belong to those who are content with today, apathetic toward common problems and their fellow man alike, timid and fearful in the face of new ideas and bold projects. Rather it will belong to those who can blend vision, reason and courage in a personal commitment to the ideals and great enterprises of American Society.* Our future may lie beyond our vision, but it is not completely beyond our control. It is the shaping impulse of America that neither fate nor nature nor the irresistible tides of history, but the work of our own hands, matched to reason and principle, that will determine our destiny. There is pride in that, even arrogance, but there is also experience and truth. In any event, it is the only way we can live."
That is the way he lived. That is what he leaves us.
My brother need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life, to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it.
Those of us who loved him and who take him to his rest today, pray that what he was to us and what he wished for others will some day come to pass for all the world.
As he said many times, in many parts of this nation, to those he touched and who sought to touch him:
"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not."
But our choice Boring, Uninspiring and Under preforming then there is the Liberals.....
So for today’s exercise I will reflect on a speech of the 60's inspired by Noodle's special night out, and wonder what happened.
Below is Edward Kennedy's Eulogy at Bobby Kennedy's funeral a large chunk is quoting from a speech Bobby gave in South Africa
Your Eminences, Your Excellencies, Mr. President:
On behalf of Mrs. Kennedy, her children, the parents and sisters of Robert Kennedy, I want to express what we feel to those who mourn with us today in this Cathedral and around the world.
We loved him as a brother, and as a father, and as a son. From his parents, and from his older brothers and sisters -- Joe and Kathleen and Jack -- he received an inspiration which he passed on to all of us. He gave us strength in time of trouble, wisdom in time of uncertainty, and sharing in time of happiness. He will always be by our side.
Love is not an easy feeling to put into words. Nor is loyalty, or trust, or joy. But he was all of these. He loved life completely and he lived it intensely.
A few years back, Robert Kennedy wrote some words about his own father which expresses [sic] the way we in his family felt about him. He said of what his father meant to him, and I quote: "What it really all adds up to is love -- not love as it is described with such facility in popular magazines, but the kind of love that is affection and respect, order and encouragement, and support. Our awareness of this was an incalculable source of strength, and because real love is something unselfish and involves sacrifice and giving, we could not help but profit from it." And he continued, "Beneath it all, he has tried to engender a social conscience. There were wrongs which needed attention. There were people who were poor and needed help. And we have a responsibility to them and to this country. Through no virtues and accomplishments of our own, we have been fortunate enough to be born in the United States under the most comfortable conditions. We, therefore, have a responsibility to others who are less well off."
That is what Robert Kennedy was given. What he leaves to us is what he said, what he did, and what he stood for. A speech he made to the young people of South Africa on their Day of Affirmation in 1966 sums it up the best, and I would like to read it now:
"There is discrimination in this world and slavery and slaughter and starvation. Governments repress their people; millions are trapped in poverty while the nation grows rich and wealth is lavished on armaments everywhere. These are differing evils, but they are the common works of man. They reflect the imperfection of human justice, the inadequacy of human compassion, our lack of sensibility towards the suffering of our fellows. But we can perhaps remember -- even if only for a time -- that those who live with us are our brothers; that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek -- as we do -- nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.
Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men. And surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again. The answer is to rely on youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. The cruelties and obstacles of this swiftly changing planet will not yield to the obsolete dogmas and outworn slogans. They cannot be moved by those who cling to a present that is already dying, who prefer the illusion of security to the excitement and danger that come with even the most peaceful progress.
It is a revolutionary world we live in, and this generation at home and around the world has had thrust upon it a greater burden of responsibility than any generation that has ever lived. Some believe there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation; a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth; a young woman reclaimed the territory of France; and it was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and the 32 year-old Thomas Jefferson who [pro]claimed that "all men are created equal."
These men moved the world, and so can we all. Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. *It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.* Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
Few are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change. And I believe that in this generation those with the courage to enter the moral conflict will find themselves with companions in every corner of the globe.
For the fortunate among us, there is the temptation to follow the easy and familiar paths of personal ambition and financial success so grandly spread before those who enjoy the privilege of education. But that is not the road history has marked out for us. Like it or not, we live in times of danger and uncertainty. But they are also more open to the creative energy of men than any other time in history. All of us will ultimately be judged, and as the years pass we will surely judge ourselves on the effort we have contributed to building a new world society and the extent to which our ideals and goals have shaped that event.
*The future does not belong to those who are content with today, apathetic toward common problems and their fellow man alike, timid and fearful in the face of new ideas and bold projects. Rather it will belong to those who can blend vision, reason and courage in a personal commitment to the ideals and great enterprises of American Society.* Our future may lie beyond our vision, but it is not completely beyond our control. It is the shaping impulse of America that neither fate nor nature nor the irresistible tides of history, but the work of our own hands, matched to reason and principle, that will determine our destiny. There is pride in that, even arrogance, but there is also experience and truth. In any event, it is the only way we can live."
That is the way he lived. That is what he leaves us.
My brother need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life, to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it.
Those of us who loved him and who take him to his rest today, pray that what he was to us and what he wished for others will some day come to pass for all the world.
As he said many times, in many parts of this nation, to those he touched and who sought to touch him:
"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not."
Thursday, March 22, 2007
F%@KING MOUSE!!!!!!
This was gross....
....so we laid humane traps.
This was annoying....
....so we prayed the traps would catch the little bastard.
This really F@#King pissed me OFF!
....So that Mouse is going to DIE!!!! I need poison!
....so we laid humane traps.This was annoying....
....so we prayed the traps would catch the little bastard.This really F@#King pissed me OFF!
....So that Mouse is going to DIE!!!! I need poison!
Funniest thing I've read all Day!
Nick's Bio
I know you may have read it earlier when he publicised it, but you ain't seen nothin' till you read the new improved version!
I know you may have read it earlier when he publicised it, but you ain't seen nothin' till you read the new improved version!
Just cause i can....
So I am delaying writing some board reports so I do this instead
Today I was called postmodern
POSTMODERN - adjective - a style and concept in the arts characterized by distrust of theories and ideologies and by the drawing of attention to conventions.
Why you ask?
For my perfectly valid assertion that "Bring it on" was the "Clueless" of the naughties
Big Fat Squid
It would seem that i have inadvertently taken on the role as SRF oddly sized animals reporter.
And here is the latest:
And here is the latest:
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
SFF re branded!
Check it out!
On the main page - the smoke in the light beam - oh yeah Baby, Mel and I at 12.30am last Wednesday.
You can find my Bio on the "About" " Our Team" Section
On the main page - the smoke in the light beam - oh yeah Baby, Mel and I at 12.30am last Wednesday.
You can find my Bio on the "About" " Our Team" Section
Joke for those with much to do at work.
In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.
"I need food," whimpered Bob.
"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
"Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
"What?" asked Bernard.
"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
"We're sorry about that."
"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
"We're sorry about that as well."
"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
"And we're very sorry about that."
"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
"What?"
"We didn't do it on porpoise."
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.
"I need food," whimpered Bob.
"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
"Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
"What?" asked Bernard.
"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
"We're sorry about that."
"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
"We're sorry about that as well."
"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
"And we're very sorry about that."
"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
"What?"
"We didn't do it on porpoise."
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Should I be upset?
Well today’s ethical dilemma for Nick.
As you all know I work amongst a small group of people. There are 6 other full time staff and then we get a few 6 month contract staff.
Today’s ethical dilemma is brought to you by Kate, our constantly in Black freight and submission co-ordinator (only here for 6 months).
I walk over to the kitchen say hi to Kate. About to make myself a piece of toast (needed to fill the gap while the useless Japanese restaurant makes my lunch - another rant for another day)
Nick "Hey Kate"
Kate "Oh sorry i hope you don't mind"
Mind what I’m thinking - then i see it, my lite cheese, my soy and lin seed bread and my $8.00 a tub logical margarine!
Nick "Oh"
Kate "sorry I was really hungry - you saved my life"
Well I'm glad you could take the time to "save your life with my cheese" but not to ask me if you can steal my food!
I am well know for stealing food - but I always make an effort to tell the person I’m stealing from.
I politely smile (I hope you can tell I was faking it) say "That’s Ok, this time....
Am I wrong to upset?
Do I have a valid point?
Will that cream really cure this rash?
As you all know I work amongst a small group of people. There are 6 other full time staff and then we get a few 6 month contract staff.
Today’s ethical dilemma is brought to you by Kate, our constantly in Black freight and submission co-ordinator (only here for 6 months).
I walk over to the kitchen say hi to Kate. About to make myself a piece of toast (needed to fill the gap while the useless Japanese restaurant makes my lunch - another rant for another day)
Nick "Hey Kate"
Kate "Oh sorry i hope you don't mind"
Mind what I’m thinking - then i see it, my lite cheese, my soy and lin seed bread and my $8.00 a tub logical margarine!
Nick "Oh"
Kate "sorry I was really hungry - you saved my life"
Well I'm glad you could take the time to "save your life with my cheese" but not to ask me if you can steal my food!
I am well know for stealing food - but I always make an effort to tell the person I’m stealing from.
I politely smile (I hope you can tell I was faking it) say "That’s Ok, this time....
Am I wrong to upset?
Do I have a valid point?
Will that cream really cure this rash?
and now we interrupt your Motivational posters for this Futsal Update!
Last night the Mighty SRF played hard!
We were severely down on manpower due to Flit's injury, Noodle's Wedding (?), an absent Stix and a working Jenni. Oh and we lost Bron at half time to the hospital (Shari and I played the whole second half! Phew!) We also lost poor Mattes for a while after John kicked him in the nuts! (accidentally of course)
Our Goalie, who we shall now call "butter gloves" let in a few own goals, but John countered with a glorious cross and fired one in for the Mighty SRF!!
We don't know why, but it always seems to rain during futsal these days! so after a thorough drenching, the SRF went down 10-1. The effort was mighty and the team looked red, wet and tired by the end!
Still acheiving our goal of not going down by more than 10 points in a game. Hopefully we'll pull back next week (we should have a few ring ins as I believe we'll still be down a Noodle, a John, a Shari, a Flit...).
We were severely down on manpower due to Flit's injury, Noodle's Wedding (?), an absent Stix and a working Jenni. Oh and we lost Bron at half time to the hospital (Shari and I played the whole second half! Phew!) We also lost poor Mattes for a while after John kicked him in the nuts! (accidentally of course)
Our Goalie, who we shall now call "butter gloves" let in a few own goals, but John countered with a glorious cross and fired one in for the Mighty SRF!!
We don't know why, but it always seems to rain during futsal these days! so after a thorough drenching, the SRF went down 10-1. The effort was mighty and the team looked red, wet and tired by the end!
Still acheiving our goal of not going down by more than 10 points in a game. Hopefully we'll pull back next week (we should have a few ring ins as I believe we'll still be down a Noodle, a John, a Shari, a Flit...).
Monday, March 19, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
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Thursday, March 15, 2007
First Official Boozy lunch
Well today I got to be a real consultant and go on my first boozy client lunch! Woohoo!
We went to a place called The Sugaroom down on the water at Pyrmont. The food was great and the sun shone down to make the day picture perfect! I must say, leaving the office at noon to return after 3, half cut, was not a bad way to spend the day! (it made it a little hard to concentrate for the last few hours, but who really cares?)
I thought these kind of days disappeared when I left repping, but lo and behold.....amazing!
We went to a place called The Sugaroom down on the water at Pyrmont. The food was great and the sun shone down to make the day picture perfect! I must say, leaving the office at noon to return after 3, half cut, was not a bad way to spend the day! (it made it a little hard to concentrate for the last few hours, but who really cares?)
I thought these kind of days disappeared when I left repping, but lo and behold.....amazing!
Anyway, just thought I'd blog about it and reminisce about times when this happened regularly.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Hot Date walks the Blue Carpet
Last night Julian agreed to be my Hot Date for the Hot Fuzz Premiere
We strutted the blue carpet pass throngs of adoring fans - Flit was a little scared not as familiar with public admirations as I am!
We then sat in the Cinema with our free popcorn, coke and Choc Tops whilst a brave stand up man tried to fill in half an hour!
Finally the star of the Movie Simon Pegg and Nick (good name) Frost came and spoke to us as well as the director Edgar Wright. We were lucky enough to have the cultural bastion David Koch seated across from us.
Well after the suitable brief introduction the Movie started.
The verdict - certainly the funniest movie I have seen this year - two thumbs up!
We strutted the blue carpet pass throngs of adoring fans - Flit was a little scared not as familiar with public admirations as I am!
We then sat in the Cinema with our free popcorn, coke and Choc Tops whilst a brave stand up man tried to fill in half an hour!
Finally the star of the Movie Simon Pegg and Nick (good name) Frost came and spoke to us as well as the director Edgar Wright. We were lucky enough to have the cultural bastion David Koch seated across from us.
Well after the suitable brief introduction the Movie started.
The verdict - certainly the funniest movie I have seen this year - two thumbs up!
Monday, March 12, 2007
We made it to 6 months!
...I guess we knew we would, but it still seems strange that the whole shebang only happened 6 months ago!!
Of course I'm talking about our wedding 6 month-aversary. It was Friday. March 9. and it was great!
We thought we'd go back to where it all happened and treat ourselves to dinner at the Lord Nelson. Our hyperactive matre'd, Brad, was there, so we took along some photos for him and scored ourselves a free bottle of red! brilliant!
The last time we went here (the wedding of course) we got a round of applause as we walked in the door arriving for our reception....this time we entered annonymously and unnoticed...quite different, but wonderful to remember our big day.
Only another 50-odd years to go!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
bad Joke
- These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
- "No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
- So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.
- "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
- "Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"
- By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
- Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
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